Chilling with Hizzie at Enchanted Kingdom

So Holy Week in the Phizzle just finished up and it was all about me and the family. Linda and I got to get out to the local (sort of) fun-land-what-you-might-call-it-thingy aptly named “Enchanted Kingdom” and safe to say, it was super cool. There was a struggle I have to say trying to stay off the mobile email initially. But during that struggle I was reminded of a time when Linda and I were in Barcelona (of all places). We were in the hotel and I attempted to quickly open my laptop so I could check my email – because my level of self-importance was at an all time high… at the time. And just as I sat down at my desk, a 2year old Teuila walks up and closes the lid and gives me a “please Daddy” look. And yes, that gave me a very much needed trip to “I-feel-like-a-sucks”ville. Four years on and I’m getting better. And I’m coming to realize that the crater we often allow ourselves to think we will leave when we go on holiday is really nothing more than a hole in the ground which we use to play marbles in (not even bonkers). And that gargantuan, mission critical, priority 1, Mr President – Mr President project that you were the pivotal linchpin in and required your undivided attention every 23hours of the day you forced yourself to be awake – yes that project… was still waiting for you when you returned after the long weekend (wasn’t it Tovia??? Yes it was). What’s your point son? Let me use a short story to illustrate. A Samoan father feeling desperately obliged to pass on some much needed wisdom to his son before his graduation turns to him and says “Son, you must always remember – wherever you go… there you are”. And as random as it sounds – that was my lesson this weekend. Wherever you are – be there… 100%. At home, at work, at play. That’s biggerthantv!

p.s. and NO – that wasn’t my Dad at my graduation thank you very much.

It’s funny that exactly one month ago, I turned thirty-seven (keep the jokes to yourselves thanks - both of you) and I didn’t ponder a single thing except where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. And yet, whenever any one of the kids turns another year, I find myself re-assessing myself to give myself a rating (hello bell curve). Naturally, me being me, I end up in the under-performed category and frivolously list down all the things I could have done better and should’ve done right but this time it almost feels somewhat… self-centered. So, I put it down to learning – in a new place, with a growing family, in a different country, in a different culture.

Therefore, nothing about me but more about the fact that generally, the first birthday is a celebration for the parents to high-five the fact that their honey is still in one piece. And we are both grateful to God for helping us make it to this milestone. But I alone am grateful to my wife who put up with all four kids (especially the 37 year old) in the last 16 months of being here (and even more given her pack up duties back in New Zealand). Everyday you amaze me hon’ and I’m so grateful that we’re in this together. You have been and always will be the greatest. Congratulations on getting Hazel and the rest of us through.

And to my Hazel… I am forever proud to be the first man to fall in love with you. Even before you were born honey… Happy Birthday.

Dad (BiggerthanTV).

Hanging with Teuila on her 5th Birthday

Read a verse this week in Psalm 90:10 which says that we have about 70 years of life or even 80 if our body is able. So, I calculated that down to something meaningful for me – my weekends. I found I had slightly over 1,700 weekends left to do “stuff”. That in turn lead me to thinking about what stuff would I, should I be doing and who should I be doing this “stuff” with? Coincidentally, my Teuila asked me about dying mentioning her great grandma passing away because she was old and was unable to live anymore. And now she was worried that her Mum and I would die and then there would be no adults to look after her, Canaan and Hazel. So, like any good parent, I drew on the countless analogies of death using her goldfish that died… Molly, Charlie, Molly 2 and finally Bugsy. And whilst I failed miserably in getting my point across, it certainly helped to change the subject as my now 5 year old shook her finger at me for saying they had gone on holiday… OK – note to self: Don’t bring up the fish again.

But getting back on topic, death is the only appointment we will never miss. In fact, I first heard this in church when the Pastor continued by saying ”from the day you were born, you were heading toward death”. OK… anyone else care to provide a more optimistic view on life? But he was right. I saw this video that was banned from TV where the mother pushes the baby out so hard that it flies out the hospital window on this long airborne trip. All the while, the subject hurtling through the air was aging and finally ended up old and landing in a six foot hole in the ground. Right – a little too graphic but point taken. Life is short.

But let me finish. So, let’s assume that 70 is the big number. If so, how many weekends do you have left? 2,000? 1,000? 100? Are you comfortable with your number? Are you confident you’ve done everything you needed to? In the same passage, the “co-author” writes [Psalm 90:12] “so teach us to number our days, so that we may apply our hearts to wisdom”. Now, I don’t think this was about living a careful, 1 splender, fat-free, away from the edge, smile once, curtesy twice type of life. But, more about making sure you/we made the main thing – the main thing. That we didn’t get distracted with the peripheral mini-dramas but got on and did the job! And we completed the God-given purpose we were put here on earth for – whether it was being the best CEO, student, healthworker, nurse, cleaner, parent, marketing guy, Pastor - it didn’t matter; just as long as we kept the main thing – the main thing. Because [as we all know] people don’t yearn for “some things” to surround their deathbed – they yearn for “someones”. Hope you had a GOOD weekend… BiggerthanTV.

But the purpose of this short post is simply to reflect on the fact that 5 years ago, our lives changed dramatically. Well actually, it changed 9 months before that when shellfish, camembert and all those other wonderful things were removed from our diet thanks to Trimester 1 – but I digress. Yes, our lives changed for the better and we welcomed the most gorgeous little 7lbs 6oz baby into our lives. And today, she turns the big 5 and I can’t help but worry that my next post will be about her turning 21 and begging for me to give her a key (yeah right buddy), and let’s not talk about that inevitable “Dad – I’d like you to meet my friend Billy-Bob” scenario… which should hopefully happen when she’s 40. Yes, my girl is growing up and I’m already missing her (I feel sorry for Billy-Bob already).

Anyway, this is a quick post to reflect on what I’ve learnt in the 5 years.

Numero Uno: I must never project my fears onto my children. When we were deciding on her sleeping in her own room, the fear was that she’d be lonely… because yeah – she came from a place with heaps of roommates?!? Point taken.

Number Two: Nothing beats a time out, except a wooden spoon to the hand. Caveat here – the latter must only be exercised when it is feels very difficult to do so (e.g. mustn’t be angry or annoyed).

Number Three: Daddy Daughter Dates are worth their weight in gold. No one but her and I – and we love it. And finally…

Number Four: 10minutes in her bed at night to ask the questions of “what made you happy today” and “what made you unhappy today” will help her for a lifetime. Two things I’ve learnt in this point: Children are great observers but poor interpreters (thanks Garry); and if all parents did this, we would put a number of Psychologists/Therapists/Psychiatrists/Shrinks out of business.

There it is… and to the most beautiful 5 year old girl in the world – I’ve loved you even before I could hold you. Happy Birthday Wheelie Woo Woo… Dad. (BiggerthanTV)

Less than a week ago, we celebrated our 8th Anniversary and although it didn’t go according to plan (e.g. sick wife, 3 kids to bath, feed and put to bed) it was still a great milestone. And whilst it wasn’t our tenth or a rounded milestone as such, I was still grateful that we had made it this far… in spite of me. But as it happened, I sat and recalled (whilst nursing my poor ill wife) about the key lessons that I’d learnt through those 8 years of marriage and thought it might be worthwhile to share them with you my lone reader So here it is:

1. Honour! We made the decision never to speak ill of the other whether they were present or absent in company. This became a norm for us but it also made us aware when other couples hadn’t implemented a similar rule. “But it’s all in good jest” is often the comeback to this and that’s fine. However, I’ll bet you all the luau in Samoa that if you asked any (loving, sane, living) wife whether she would prefer her husband poking fun at her or speaking well of her – she would choose the latter. My wife speaks well of me, encourages me and respects me – despite my faults. And I in turn, do the same for her. We’re a team.

2. Talk! Did you know that men and women (on average) have a specific quota of words that they “need” to speak each day? Interestingly enough, women have a higher quota than men. But that doesn’t give us men an excuse not to talk about things. I’ve been blessed with the gift of communication but even I sometimes have to remember to talk about things when I feel Mr Grumpy coming on and then expect my wife to decipher my “grump-ese” language and know why I’m unhappy. So, I’ve learnt to be up front about how my clock’s ticking and what’s really going on. One of my biggest struggles when we first started going out, was my insecurity about other guys taking an interest in her. Now, this was just downright silly of me given the fact that I’m a good looking guy, but it really was something that was hard to communicate – back then. These days, thanks to creative innovation and two guys in particular “Smith” & “Wesson” – I don’t have to worry about that anymore (just kidding about the Smith & Wesson part). Laugh all you want but being up front and open is very important.

3. Protect your relationship! Even things like parenting can get in the way of your marriage and 18 years after having your last child and they decide to move on – you look across the now empty 8 seater dinner table and you don’t recognise the person you married anymore. My marriage requires ongoing nurturing, investment, reinvention (that’s with the same wife – not reinventing a new wife) and commitment. And the most important thing I remember is that, when I had just enough money to buy a coffee, a hot chocolate and two apples (not too different from now), my best-friend in the world (now also my wife) still thought I was fantastic.

There it is. I hope these three points help in some way to describe what has been an awesome journey for us – thus far. But let me finish with this… I’ve never had an entitlement mentality because I know who I am, what I have done and therefore know that I am underserving of anything that is good. And so, when I look over and see what God has given me (in spite of me), I am thankful to Him, and I don’t ever want to take any of it for granted. And if it only costs me my pride to keep these gifts, if I simply have to be vulnerable to this one person to keep this relationship, if it takes a moment of my time each day to listen, to say something nice, to remind her how special she is to me… if that’s the price. I’ll pay it again and again… til death do us part. BiggerthanTV.

Anyway, my friend who would be my best man 6 years later (sidenote: even the girl I would marry was driving up the other side of the now “snail paced” motorway looking at this overturned car) was “coincidentally” the first person on the scene and he explained the eerie site of seeing my bible on the motorway metres away from the car with it’s pages turning in the wind (M. Night Shyamalan scripting right?). And so, he called an ambulance, I was rushed to hospital only to be discharged the next day with a graze on my elbow (healing factor 7). And for the next seven years I would open my bible to certain pages and deeply wedged in between the pages would be glass fragments from that cars windshield as a gentle reminder of that afternoon’s events.

What’s the point? Let me use one more story and then I’ll explain… I’m sitting in this prayer meeting a year earlier (which was made of 5 sometimes 6 people where I was the only guy – can somebody say… awkward?) after being a Christian for only 3 months and we had just said the last Amen. I couldn’t help myself and just blurted out – “God’s got a really big plan for my life” in my overly-excited tone. However, someone in the Prayer Meeting chuckled and said “brother – God’s got a big plan for ALL of OUR lives” in a “umm-you-ain’t-that-special-kid” tone. But somehow, I felt God had something different for me and the events to happen less than a year later would accelerate the most powerful transformation process - that still continues to this day.

Finish already — here it is. That night in that prayer meeting I asked God to use me. On the Sunday of my accident, I thought all the things I had done that week were a culmination of exactly this – being used by Him. But nothing would compare to waking up in an Emergency Room with the Pastor anointing you with oil on one side (last rights anyone?) and a crying mother on the other side saying “I thought I’d lost you”. My walk with Jesus began that day as I realized His plan was now unfolding. The decision I made in 1995 to follow Jesus would set me at odds with people I loved, would lose me a lot of friends, but gain my soul the peace I needed to finish this course with joy. Everything happens for a reason and everyone is made for a purpose… even someone like me. Find your purpose… and if your willing… find My God – BiggerthanTV.

Waiting (Green Jades, Avondale)

It’s the year 2001 and I’m sitting in the movies (can’t remember what the movie was) because it’s my date night with Linda. A bunch of University kids obviously Samoan based on stature and confidence (read that word how you will) but they reminded me a lot of me – not just the fact that they’re at the movies instead of studying – but more the projection of being 10 feet tall and bullet proof. So anyway, they begin to make some less than appreciated remarks during the movie and I’m thinking to myself, I don’t think Linda should have to put up with this - and besides they were ruining a completely good movie which I can no longer remember because it was so memorable. Anyway, the movie ended but my dark side had flared and I was off. Notably the night didn’t end too well for any of us after that… not good.

A couple of months ago at a team building exercise, we were asked to list our personal priorities using over 100 cards – each with a description of a trait/value that one would consider important. For example, words like integrity, family, spouse, children, happiness, wealth etc. So, you had to choose your Top 10 from here and rank them in order of importance. For me, things like spouse, children, family were high up whilst at the lower end were things like success, loyalty which are also wonderful things. Top of my list however was an interesting word that had made the set – “grace”. I say interesting because it’s not a word commonly used – nor found - in “work” settings but it was there and so I chose it. So I had for my top 3: 1) Grace; 2) Spouse; and 3) Family and here’s why from bottom to top:

3. Family refers to my responsibilites and accountabilities as a son, a husband and a father. The latter being the more prominent today given the new addition to our family and the fact we now have 3 under 5 – WOW! But what’s interesting is that I’ve learnt with girls and boys, the most important role for their development is… drum roll… the Father. No pressure right? But apparently, we as Fathers are the benchmark by which our daughters will learn to be loved, cherished and respected; and the yard stick by which our sons will learn the values of being a male and how they interact with the wider world. However, before you men start getting all “uppity” about how this is hard… ummm – given birth lately? No – thought not. Trust me, our role is far from easy but relatively speaking – it’s easier. Moving on…

2. My wife is the better/lighter/wiser/prettier/<fill it with any positive attribute> part of me and I thank God for her everyday. Over a week ago, we were in hospital as she was about to give birth to our third child and it was tough. You see, when I stood at the altar and gave my “for better or worse” promise, I made the commitment that I wouldn’t let anything hurt my girl/best friend/wife. But here I was standing there holding her hand helplessly and I could do nothing but encourage the love of my life that she was doing an amazing job. The game requires us to love each other from the beginning of it all – right to the end. Not just until the kids have grown up and left the building (empty nesting anyone?). Food for thought maybe. And finally…

1. Grace. This for me was a simple choice because it represented something that I was undeserving of, unable to earn, was often unable to demonstrate but was always receiving. My life, is one of confusion which lead to anger and in turn a whole bunch of ugliness that makes me cringe to think back on. But the grace part, is the one piece of beauty that taught me I could be loved, I could be cleaned, and I could start again. Grace represented a relationship that I found in a God and founded with a God who told me that nothing I had done, was doing, will do – would be too big for His grace. But also, no amount of good work on my part could earn it’s immeasurable value. And furthermore, from this relationship would flow the love, joy and power of stronger, healthier relationships with all those around me. And by receiving his Grace… I would find humility.

So, what’s the connection and how does this all come together? Well, you see the story at the beginning carries on another several years. I’m sitting in my home church “Community Christian Fellowship” back in West Auckland, NZ. I’m older, wiser (ok just older then) and now a leader of the church I had attended for 14 years. And as God would have it, in walks one of the guys from the movie theatre (you don’t forget the faces). My heart sank… and I knew that my God wasn’t done with me as I thought back to that unfortunate night where I should’ve walked away, could’ve been the bigger person, might’ve even been the peace maker… but I was neither. However, with a (now) deeper understanding of the God I serve, and with the utmost humility I approach and ask this young man  to step out (again?) and I begin to remind him of what happened. I have no justification for my behaviour and I’m both ashamed and apologetic. This was unexpected for him but he is gracious enough to accept my apology and continue small talk with me before we go back inside to the service. I never saw him again after that day.

Grace is Priority 1 since it reminds me to live knowing that I was nothing without Him. And that reminder gives me a deep-set humility knowing whilst I was still a “LOSER”, the biggest winner – lost Himself for me. Jesus I’m so grateful… You are BiggerthanTV.

Now – surely there is an unwritten law that says, one beating per screw up – right? I mean, doesn’t DOUBLE JEOPARDY come into this somewhere? No Sirree Bob! Not in our family. That day at school I dreamt up so many endings it was enough to give a 7year old stomach ulcers – stress. It was one of those days which sped through like a Usain Bolt track meet. And so I got home and mum was preparing dinner and I went up and stood next to her for a few seconds – just silent. Then I decided to say “hi mum”, hoping for a “how was school today” in return. But no, not this day. Today would only echo of “wait til your Dad gets home”. So I had a brilliant idea – I would hide all the belts. That way my father would have to resort to a jandal or something inconsequential – like a wooden spoon. So that’s what I did. Every worthwhile belt in the house disappeared into thin air and our home was “belt free”.

Then I thought I’d pretend to sleep so when Dad comes home, he would leave me alone (Avoid a Beating 101). And so I pretended to sleep – dozing in and out of conciousness but my ears were listening for when that door opened. Anyway, the door eventually opened and I heard my father say my name. I declined to acknowledge his call given my current STATE OF FEAR! But eventually his volume increased and I figured he probably would’ve been even more angry if he thought I was avoiding him — probably. I turned in my bed to face the door at which my father walked in (did I mention beltless?) but all the more angry. He reached for something not as inconsequential as I’d hoped as he walked toward me. The guitar was his weapon of choice for his 7year old and I would learn that day to never disobey my father…

I owe a lot to my Dad, and unfortunately that wasn’t the last beating I got but let’s face it, I wasn’t the easiest kid (none of us boys were). And you could make the mistake of thinking that I didn’t like my Dad but that would be far from the truth. I love my Dad and most of my parenting lessons (e.g. things not to do) came from the big guy. But that’s not why I love him more now than I did 4 months ago. You see, at 34 my Dad (and mumzy) moved country to give me and my family the best he could. He would walk 8 kilometres to work in a Paint factory to make sure we had enough and I’m about 99% sure that he was constantly wondering whether he had made the right choice for him and his family or whether it was all a mistake. So battling the fear of getting it wrong, the stress levels would’ve been extremely high BUT the breaking points would’ve been extremely low. And how do I know this…?

Because without realizing it, I’m also sitting in a different country questioning my motives and checking to see whether I did this for my family or for me or for the God I serve. I find my stress levels have sky-rocketed and breaking points have dropped significantly. And only NOW… do I understand my Father. Don’t get me wrong – when you decide to beat your 7 year old with a full-sized guitar, you have more issues than you think. And I thank God that I’ve not reached such a point – But I finally get it. As I too have been dealing with the fear of screwing up, the thoughts of inadequacy, the inaccurate perceptions of “me versus the world – my family included”… all of it. And all of it coming from the fear of failing. So I reach the breakthrough as the love of my life helps me to unpack the rubbish out of my head. And for every piece of rubbish we take out, we replace it with the TRUTH. That we are made for a bigger and greater purpose, that I have a wife and a family that loves me no matter what, that people believe in me more than I believe in myself and that I have a God that loves me more than I’ll ever know. And I am “the head and not the tail”. Now – if you’ve read this far, you deserve a big finish — but I don’t have one. I only have this… “if your world-view should ever become tunnel-visioned and  seem only a pinhole wide; and should you ever find yourself thinking that “you’re just not good enough”… KNOW THIS. You are good enough — you just don’t know it yet. And if you need a fan (one that’ll never leave you nor forsake you and love you no matter what), a rock, a provider, a protector, a keeper… even a Father - try my God. He’s BiggerthanTV.

And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free – John 8:32 (NLT)

The first pair of Jordan's I had (thanks Donald)

Did you ever grow up wishing you had what that other kid had? For me, it was always about the shoes (might explain why I need to own so many pairs) and when the ’88 Air Jordan’s came out with the fake croc skin on the upper — I was like, “for realzy’s”? And then it just got better in ’89 with the webbing and then ’90 was “off the hook” with the reflector tongue. But my favourite was the ’91′s with the pilot holes in the tongue and they became the batman boot . Remember those? Good! So if you’re still with me now, let me take it back to reality.

My Mum and Dad worked hard to make sure all the 6 kids they had (even my brother whom we left in Samoa but that’s another story) never went without. And as you’d expect, my sister being the only girl never had to make do with hand me downs… no way. But me on the other hand (I know you might think I’m exaggerating and all) by the time the clothes got to me, my brothers were pretty much done with them. Done would be defined as down to the last thread, even the elastic in the underwear was holding on for dear life — if you know what I mean. That doesn’t mean that poor elastic made it all the time. I mean sometimes I would be in the C Courts at school and I’d be halfway through a mean crossover (if you went to school with me and you’re reading this — it was more a double dribble or something) and then I would just suddenly stop and have to sit down and re-think my next move of how to get to the toilets with as little fuss as possible to mend those bad boys with my trusty (always available for these reasons) safety pin.

Anyway, the point I was getting at was, there were never any luxuries for us kids — especially owning a cool pair of Jordans. That stuff just didn’t happen because we couldn’t afford it. But it meant that sometimes we would want what others had, sometimes too much and go to all sorts of measures to get it. And it wasn’t because our parents didn’t want to give it to us, it was just near impossible and short of getting a loan from the bank — we had to make do.

What I didn’t realize was that, this same “that’s my lot in life” thinking that I had growing up was one that I then brought into my walk with Jesus. Without realizing it, I thought that the God I served only had a set amount for me and I just had to make do with that. Furthermore, I would start to get all “down and out” if someone else was being blessed because I thought — if my Father spends His gifts on that guy, what do I get? But that is SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH!

The God I serve owns “cattle on a thousand hills” (Psalms 50:10) and endless resources. His giving never ends and His grace and mercy abounds. But let me place a wrapper around that so you understand this better. You see God only gives us what we can handle (hence why I’ve never received that sudden $1 MILLION out of the blue — because I’d buy every single pair of shoes I always wanted and couldn’t afford — just keeping it real). And secondly, God blesses us so that we in turn can bless others. Hence why I haven’t received that Lamborghini because it can only bless one other person in the passenger seat . And finally, He gives it to us, when it’s the right time — not a moment too soon, or a moment too late (despite what we might think).

Finish already! OK. So, we need a car given that my wife’s so close now to having our 3rd child. And I have been challenged with constantly falling back into my old way of thinking that God can’t help here. And you too maybe in a similar situation and you might feel as if His resources are spent and they have been on others except you. But that’s not true. We are connected into a God who’s resources are perpetually regenerated and infinite (e.g. they have no end). And more importantly, He loves us with an unquenchable love and bottom line is: if He gave His son for me, what’s the big deal with a bill? What’s the big deal with the mortgage? What’s the big deal with a car? All He wants me/you/us to do is… Just Ask… and BELIEVE.

BtTV.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

Then there were times when we were growing up and coming home from school was sometimes a race (especially if there was only 1 loaf of bread in the house) because we would rush home to get as much as possible and when boys eat – the inevitable outcome is going to be an empty pantry/fridge/bread bin whatever. This was often the case in my house (and to date I still don’t know how Mum and Dad did it).

In both cases – “empty” has been a state that was less than welcome. But this was the outcome that we were met with on a number of occasions. Even today, if something is empty, it often means that the situation isn’t a good one and that bad planning and some tough situations are at hand. So fair to say, EMPTY would represent the potential for unfortunate circumstances in most contexts.

Most — but not All. Because Easter in itself represents one of those few times when “empty” was a GREAT thing. When they went to check on the tomb expecting to see the dead body of Jesus and found it EMPTY, that wasn’t an unfortunate thing – IT WAS WONDERFUL! Because, this EMPTY tomb represented more for me as a believer than anything else that is associated with the man – Jesus Christ. Even greater than His birth. It meant He was alive and that Death could not keep Him and the Grave could not hold Him because they had no dominion – for He was without sin. And I no longer had to burn sacrifices or jump through hoops to be good enough for God, all I had to do was accept the  work of His son Jesus and I was FORGIVEN. And if I accepted that He was the sacrifice for my sins and followed His lifestyle, I could share in His resurrection. And THAT is the power of a tomb that is EMPTY.

Don’t get me wrong, we should never forget the pain and suffering that Jesus went through to restore a fallen creation to its creator, but what is more important is that we should never stop there. The focus is on the beauty, the power and the grace of the EMPTY tomb. This is the power, the strength and the promise to all those who believe.

This week a dear friend of ours went to be with Jesus. A fellow-believer in the resurrecting power of a living Jesus and I am confident that I/we will one day see him again. In memory of our “Prince of Tonga” – Kalaniuvalu Tiofilusi “Theo” Kalaniuvalu. The biggest friendliest teddy bear of a giant - BiggerthanTV.

Ka toki fetaulaki…

“All alone, all alone on a lonely hill, He died to set me free; And gave me all through an empty tomb, so Him one day I’ll see.” by BtTV