Just Be There… 100%

Chilling with Hizzie at Enchanted Kingdom

So Holy Week in the Phizzle just finished up and it was all about me and the family. Linda and I got to get out to the local (sort of) fun-land-what-you-might-call-it-thingy aptly named “Enchanted Kingdom” and safe to say, it was super cool. There was a struggle I have to say trying to stay off the mobile email initially. But during that struggle I was reminded of a time when Linda and I were in Barcelona (of all places). We were in the hotel and I attempted to quickly open my laptop so I could check my email – because my level of self-importance was at an all time high… at the time. And just as I sat down at my desk, a 2year old Teuila walks up and closes the lid and gives me a “please Daddy” look. And yes, that gave me a very much needed trip to “I-feel-like-a-sucks”ville. Four years on and I’m getting better. And I’m coming to realize that the crater we often allow ourselves to think we will leave when we go on holiday is really nothing more than a hole in the ground which we use to play marbles in (not even bonkers). And that gargantuan, mission critical, priority 1, Mr President – Mr President project that you were the pivotal linchpin in and required your undivided attention every 23hours of the day you forced yourself to be awake – yes that project… was still waiting for you when you returned after the long weekend (wasn’t it Tovia??? Yes it was). What’s your point son? Let me use a short story to illustrate. A Samoan father feeling desperately obliged to pass on some much needed wisdom to his son before his graduation turns to him and says “Son, you must always remember – wherever you go… there you are”. And as random as it sounds – that was my lesson this weekend. Wherever you are – be there… 100%. At home, at work, at play. That’s biggerthantv!

p.s. and NO – that wasn’t my Dad at my graduation thank you very much.

A Year Later…

Today, marks the first year since the most important thing happened to us after moving here to Manila – the birth of our baby Hazel Soteria Va’aelua. And as my honey turns one, I can’t help but wonder as to where the past 12 months have gone and I’m absolutely blown away by how quickly she’s developed in such a short space of time.

It’s funny that exactly one month ago, I turned thirty-seven (keep the jokes to yourselves thanks - both of you) and I didn’t ponder a single thing except where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. And yet, whenever any one of the kids turns another year, I find myself re-assessing myself to give myself a rating (hello bell curve). Naturally, me being me, I end up in the under-performed category and frivolously list down all the things I could have done better and should’ve done right but this time it almost feels somewhat… self-centered. So, I put it down to learning – in a new place, with a growing family, in a different country, in a different culture.

Therefore, nothing about me but more about the fact that generally, the first birthday is a celebration for the parents to high-five the fact that their honey is still in one piece. And we are both grateful to God for helping us make it to this milestone. But I alone am grateful to my wife who put up with all four kids (especially the 37 year old) in the last 16 months of being here (and even more given her pack up duties back in New Zealand). Everyday you amaze me hon’ and I’m so grateful that we’re in this together. You have been and always will be the greatest. Congratulations on getting Hazel and the rest of us through.

And to my Hazel… I am forever proud to be the first man to fall in love with you. Even before you were born honey… Happy Birthday.

Dad (BiggerthanTV).

1,715 Weekends Left…

Hanging with Teuila on her 5th Birthday

Read a verse this week in Psalm 90:10 which says that we have about 70 years of life or even 80 if our body is able. So, I calculated that down to something meaningful for me – my weekends. I found I had slightly over 1,700 weekends left to do “stuff”. That in turn lead me to thinking about what stuff would I, should I be doing and who should I be doing this “stuff” with? Coincidentally, my Teuila asked me about dying mentioning her great grandma passing away because she was old and was unable to live anymore. And now she was worried that her Mum and I would die and then there would be no adults to look after her, Canaan and Hazel. So, like any good parent, I drew on the countless analogies of death using her goldfish that died… Molly, Charlie, Molly 2 and finally Bugsy. And whilst I failed miserably in getting my point across, it certainly helped to change the subject as my now 5 year old shook her finger at me for saying they had gone on holiday… OK – note to self: Don’t bring up the fish again.

But getting back on topic, death is the only appointment we will never miss. In fact, I first heard this in church when the Pastor continued by saying ”from the day you were born, you were heading toward death”. OK… anyone else care to provide a more optimistic view on life? But he was right. I saw this video that was banned from TV where the mother pushes the baby out so hard that it flies out the hospital window on this long airborne trip. All the while, the subject hurtling through the air was aging and finally ended up old and landing in a six foot hole in the ground. Right – a little too graphic but point taken. Life is short.

But let me finish. So, let’s assume that 70 is the big number. If so, how many weekends do you have left? 2,000? 1,000? 100? Are you comfortable with your number? Are you confident you’ve done everything you needed to? In the same passage, the “co-author” writes [Psalm 90:12] “so teach us to number our days, so that we may apply our hearts to wisdom”. Now, I don’t think this was about living a careful, 1 splender, fat-free, away from the edge, smile once, curtesy twice type of life. But, more about making sure you/we made the main thing – the main thing. That we didn’t get distracted with the peripheral mini-dramas but got on and did the job! And we completed the God-given purpose we were put here on earth for – whether it was being the best CEO, student, healthworker, nurse, cleaner, parent, marketing guy, Pastor - it didn’t matter; just as long as we kept the main thing – the main thing. Because [as we all know] people don’t yearn for “some things” to surround their deathbed – they yearn for “someones”. Hope you had a GOOD weekend… BiggerthanTV.

Shall I use Excel to track the contractions?… I’ll take that as a No.

5 Years ago the number 1 song (in the US) was “We Belong Together” by none other than my favourite Diva – Mariah. At the same time, we had given up our rental and moved in with Linda’s parents in preparation for our first child. And sure enough, in about 3hours from now (5 years ago that is) my wife would (in her calm nonchalant way) openly state in the middle of a re-design of some sort that she thought her waters had broken. Sure enough, they had and I was now measuring contractions for which I had purchased my first digital watch complete with stop watch. I’m still in awe of my wife and her ability to remain calm, and in the meantime, I was trying to frantically measure these contractions armed with pen and paper. And as the title would have it, I did suggest to bring my laptop from the other room to create a table and graph of some sort that would help me to project the possible time to leave home bound for the hospital. Ummm… that was met with a (blow blow long blow) Nooooooo!

But the purpose of this short post is simply to reflect on the fact that 5 years ago, our lives changed dramatically. Well actually, it changed 9 months before that when shellfish, camembert and all those other wonderful things were removed from our diet thanks to Trimester 1 – but I digress. Yes, our lives changed for the better and we welcomed the most gorgeous little 7lbs 6oz baby into our lives. And today, she turns the big 5 and I can’t help but worry that my next post will be about her turning 21 and begging for me to give her a key (yeah right buddy), and let’s not talk about that inevitable “Dad – I’d like you to meet my friend Billy-Bob” scenario… which should hopefully happen when she’s 40. Yes, my girl is growing up and I’m already missing her (I feel sorry for Billy-Bob already).

Anyway, this is a quick post to reflect on what I’ve learnt in the 5 years.

Numero Uno: I must never project my fears onto my children. When we were deciding on her sleeping in her own room, the fear was that she’d be lonely… because yeah – she came from a place with heaps of roommates?!? Point taken.

Number Two: Nothing beats a time out, except a wooden spoon to the hand. Caveat here – the latter must only be exercised when it is feels very difficult to do so (e.g. mustn’t be angry or annoyed).

Number Three: Daddy Daughter Dates are worth their weight in gold. No one but her and I – and we love it. And finally…

Number Four: 10minutes in her bed at night to ask the questions of “what made you happy today” and “what made you unhappy today” will help her for a lifetime. Two things I’ve learnt in this point: Children are great observers but poor interpreters (thanks Garry); and if all parents did this, we would put a number of Psychologists/Therapists/Psychiatrists/Shrinks out of business.

There it is… and to the most beautiful 5 year old girl in the world – I’ve loved you even before I could hold you. Happy Birthday Wheelie Woo Woo… Dad. (BiggerthanTV)

Lessons from 8 Years

Less than a week ago, we celebrated our 8th Anniversary and although it didn’t go according to plan (e.g. sick wife, 3 kids to bath, feed and put to bed) it was still a great milestone. And whilst it wasn’t our tenth or a rounded milestone as such, I was still grateful that we had made it this far… in spite of me. But as it happened, I sat and recalled (whilst nursing my poor ill wife) about the key lessons that I’d learnt through those 8 years of marriage and thought it might be worthwhile to share them with you my lone reader So here it is:

1. Honour! We made the decision never to speak ill of the other whether they were present or absent in company. This became a norm for us but it also made us aware when other couples hadn’t implemented a similar rule. “But it’s all in good jest” is often the comeback to this and that’s fine. However, I’ll bet you all the luau in Samoa that if you asked any (loving, sane, living) wife whether she would prefer her husband poking fun at her or speaking well of her – she would choose the latter. My wife speaks well of me, encourages me and respects me – despite my faults. And I in turn, do the same for her. We’re a team.

2. Talk! Did you know that men and women (on average) have a specific quota of words that they “need” to speak each day? Interestingly enough, women have a higher quota than men. But that doesn’t give us men an excuse not to talk about things. I’ve been blessed with the gift of communication but even I sometimes have to remember to talk about things when I feel Mr Grumpy coming on and then expect my wife to decipher my “grump-ese” language and know why I’m unhappy. So, I’ve learnt to be up front about how my clock’s ticking and what’s really going on. One of my biggest struggles when we first started going out, was my insecurity about other guys taking an interest in her. Now, this was just downright silly of me given the fact that I’m a good looking guy, but it really was something that was hard to communicate – back then. These days, thanks to creative innovation and two guys in particular “Smith” & “Wesson” – I don’t have to worry about that anymore (just kidding about the Smith & Wesson part). Laugh all you want but being up front and open is very important.

3. Protect your relationship! Even things like parenting can get in the way of your marriage and 18 years after having your last child and they decide to move on – you look across the now empty 8 seater dinner table and you don’t recognise the person you married anymore. My marriage requires ongoing nurturing, investment, reinvention (that’s with the same wife – not reinventing a new wife) and commitment. And the most important thing I remember is that, when I had just enough money to buy a coffee, a hot chocolate and two apples (not too different from now), my best-friend in the world (now also my wife) still thought I was fantastic.

There it is. I hope these three points help in some way to describe what has been an awesome journey for us – thus far. But let me finish with this… I’ve never had an entitlement mentality because I know who I am, what I have done and therefore know that I am underserving of anything that is good. And so, when I look over and see what God has given me (in spite of me), I am thankful to Him, and I don’t ever want to take any of it for granted. And if it only costs me my pride to keep these gifts, if I simply have to be vulnerable to this one person to keep this relationship, if it takes a moment of my time each day to listen, to say something nice, to remind her how special she is to me… if that’s the price. I’ll pay it again and again… til death do us part. BiggerthanTV.

Made for a purpose…

It’s Sunday afternoon on March 3, 1996 and we’ve just finished Choir practise for that night’s Outreach in the Park. I’ve had a long week attending the late nights of “Learning to be a Consellor.101″ and early mornings working two jobs. I was meant to drive back to Grey Lynn to drop my cousin’s car off and then get dropped off to the Outreach again but that doesn’t happen. Instead, on the North Western motorway I fell asleep doing what was apparently “slightly” over the 100km speed limit (thanks Constable) and the car goes straight into the “gentle” curve of the Concrete Median Barrier. A couple of nights later I would be sitting on my bed with a Police Officer explaining how the wheels of the car locked against the barrier and forced the car up and then on it’s roof – sliding 100 metres diagonally across the three lanes. All this was explained because I was totally unconcious throughout the entire thing only to wake up in hospital later that night with tubes coming in and out of me and someone by the name of Oscar Goldman saying that they’d have to rebuild me (kidding about that last part – just seemed so intense).

Anyway, my friend who would be my best man 6 years later (sidenote: even the girl I would marry was driving up the other side of the now “snail paced” motorway looking at this overturned car) was “coincidentally” the first person on the scene and he explained the eerie site of seeing my bible on the motorway metres away from the car with it’s pages turning in the wind (M. Night Shyamalan scripting right?). And so, he called an ambulance, I was rushed to hospital only to be discharged the next day with a graze on my elbow (healing factor 7). And for the next seven years I would open my bible to certain pages and deeply wedged in between the pages would be glass fragments from that cars windshield as a gentle reminder of that afternoon’s events.

What’s the point? Let me use one more story and then I’ll explain… I’m sitting in this prayer meeting a year earlier (which was made of 5 sometimes 6 people where I was the only guy – can somebody say… awkward?) after being a Christian for only 3 months and we had just said the last Amen. I couldn’t help myself and just blurted out – “God’s got a really big plan for my life” in my overly-excited tone. However, someone in the Prayer Meeting chuckled and said “brother – God’s got a big plan for ALL of OUR lives” in a “umm-you-ain’t-that-special-kid” tone. But somehow, I felt God had something different for me and the events to happen less than a year later would accelerate the most powerful transformation process - that still continues to this day.

Finish already — here it is. That night in that prayer meeting I asked God to use me. On the Sunday of my accident, I thought all the things I had done that week were a culmination of exactly this – being used by Him. But nothing would compare to waking up in an Emergency Room with the Pastor anointing you with oil on one side (last rights anyone?) and a crying mother on the other side saying “I thought I’d lost you”. My walk with Jesus began that day as I realized His plan was now unfolding. The decision I made in 1995 to follow Jesus would set me at odds with people I loved, would lose me a lot of friends, but gain my soul the peace I needed to finish this course with joy. Everything happens for a reason and everyone is made for a purpose… even someone like me. Find your purpose… and if your willing… find My God – BiggerthanTV.

Priorities 1, 2 and 3

Waiting (Green Jades, Avondale)

It’s the year 2001 and I’m sitting in the movies (can’t remember what the movie was) because it’s my date night with Linda. A bunch of University kids obviously Samoan based on stature and confidence (read that word how you will) but they reminded me a lot of me – not just the fact that they’re at the movies instead of studying – but more the projection of being 10 feet tall and bullet proof. So anyway, they begin to make some less than appreciated remarks during the movie and I’m thinking to myself, I don’t think Linda should have to put up with this - and besides they were ruining a completely good movie which I can no longer remember because it was so memorable. Anyway, the movie ended but my dark side had flared and I was off. Notably the night didn’t end too well for any of us after that… not good.

A couple of months ago at a team building exercise, we were asked to list our personal priorities using over 100 cards – each with a description of a trait/value that one would consider important. For example, words like integrity, family, spouse, children, happiness, wealth etc. So, you had to choose your Top 10 from here and rank them in order of importance. For me, things like spouse, children, family were high up whilst at the lower end were things like success, loyalty which are also wonderful things. Top of my list however was an interesting word that had made the set – “grace”. I say interesting because it’s not a word commonly used – nor found - in “work” settings but it was there and so I chose it. So I had for my top 3: 1) Grace; 2) Spouse; and 3) Family and here’s why from bottom to top:

3. Family refers to my responsibilites and accountabilities as a son, a husband and a father. The latter being the more prominent today given the new addition to our family and the fact we now have 3 under 5 – WOW! But what’s interesting is that I’ve learnt with girls and boys, the most important role for their development is… drum roll… the Father. No pressure right? But apparently, we as Fathers are the benchmark by which our daughters will learn to be loved, cherished and respected; and the yard stick by which our sons will learn the values of being a male and how they interact with the wider world. However, before you men start getting all “uppity” about how this is hard… ummm – given birth lately? No – thought not. Trust me, our role is far from easy but relatively speaking – it’s easier. Moving on…

2. My wife is the better/lighter/wiser/prettier/<fill it with any positive attribute> part of me and I thank God for her everyday. Over a week ago, we were in hospital as she was about to give birth to our third child and it was tough. You see, when I stood at the altar and gave my “for better or worse” promise, I made the commitment that I wouldn’t let anything hurt my girl/best friend/wife. But here I was standing there holding her hand helplessly and I could do nothing but encourage the love of my life that she was doing an amazing job. The game requires us to love each other from the beginning of it all – right to the end. Not just until the kids have grown up and left the building (empty nesting anyone?). Food for thought maybe. And finally…

1. Grace. This for me was a simple choice because it represented something that I was undeserving of, unable to earn, was often unable to demonstrate but was always receiving. My life, is one of confusion which lead to anger and in turn a whole bunch of ugliness that makes me cringe to think back on. But the grace part, is the one piece of beauty that taught me I could be loved, I could be cleaned, and I could start again. Grace represented a relationship that I found in a God and founded with a God who told me that nothing I had done, was doing, will do – would be too big for His grace. But also, no amount of good work on my part could earn it’s immeasurable value. And furthermore, from this relationship would flow the love, joy and power of stronger, healthier relationships with all those around me. And by receiving his Grace… I would find humility.

So, what’s the connection and how does this all come together? Well, you see the story at the beginning carries on another several years. I’m sitting in my home church “Community Christian Fellowship” back in West Auckland, NZ. I’m older, wiser (ok just older then) and now a leader of the church I had attended for 14 years. And as God would have it, in walks one of the guys from the movie theatre (you don’t forget the faces). My heart sank… and I knew that my God wasn’t done with me as I thought back to that unfortunate night where I should’ve walked away, could’ve been the bigger person, might’ve even been the peace maker… but I was neither. However, with a (now) deeper understanding of the God I serve, and with the utmost humility I approach and ask this young man  to step out (again?) and I begin to remind him of what happened. I have no justification for my behaviour and I’m both ashamed and apologetic. This was unexpected for him but he is gracious enough to accept my apology and continue small talk with me before we go back inside to the service. I never saw him again after that day.

Grace is Priority 1 since it reminds me to live knowing that I was nothing without Him. And that reminder gives me a deep-set humility knowing whilst I was still a “LOSER”, the biggest winner – lost Himself for me. Jesus I’m so grateful… You are BiggerthanTV.